


the Angel Israfel

by Lumau



Series: Juprafel collection [4]
Category: Nevermoor Series - Jessica Townsend
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Heartbreak, Other, Post-Break Up, angel israfel - Freeform, hints of self-harm thoughts (nothing graphic)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:48:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27631615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumau/pseuds/Lumau
Summary: Another bonus I wrote for my other Juprafel ficsThis one is a little different, as it's from Israfel's POV and tells what happened after Jupiter leaving him, how he became "The Angel Israfel" and his opening night at the Old Delphian Music Hall.Israfel is left heartbroken and confused after Jupiter left, he lost his lover, his dream, his purpose and his new found hope for a better life. Before he has time to process, his agent pressures him to fulfil his contract and with the opening night coming up, he'll have to decide what to do next.
Relationships: Israfel/Jupiter North, juprafel
Series: Juprafel collection [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977937
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	the Angel Israfel

**Author's Note:**

> I just can't stop writing Juprafel fics XD
> 
> This one tempted me, as it was a part still missing from my other stories.  
> I'm sorry poor Izzy has to suffer so much, though :( 
> 
> Thanks for all your comments and kudos, and for sticking with me! I highly appreciate each and every one of them!

Why won’t I just fall asleep and never wake up again?  
  
I know, why, of course. Because you haunt me in my dreams.  
I just want to sleep and forget all about you, but you will always be there, whether I’m awake or asleep.  
Most of the time I can’t really tell the difference anymore anyway. The last months are a dream to me, a weird, surreal dream, a dream so endlessly sweet and wonderful, a dream that felt so real, so fucking real, while I was caught in it.  
As I have been shaken from my sleep though, I can’t believe I ever thought any of it was true.  
And the memories of that dream break my heart all over again, every time they cross my mind.  
This dream has shown me what I secretly longed for all along, more than anything.  
And it just evaporated into thin air, the moment I thought I could reach out for it.

If I could just forget everything, about you, about us, or better even, about my whole life... I don’t want any of it anymore.  
What can be crueller than having your deepest wishes and hopes laid bare in front of you, feelings you never even knew existed inside of you, only to watch them being shattered in an instant?  
Shattered into hundreds of sharp-edged shards, that still look so unbelievably beautiful. It is so tempting to touch them, I can’t stop myself from reaching out for them, over and over again, grasping them, clutching them with my hands and pressing them tightly against my chest. And although the pain is almost too much to bear, letting go of them would be even worse.

Oh, but the irony!  
If I wasn’t so devastated and tired and if only I still knew where my body ended and the world began, I might laugh at myself and the irony of it all!  
Because I deserve this.  
The shards reflect back to me what I did, what I have done and what I will do, again and again, all the pain that I cause just through my mere existence.  
The pain of all those that fall for my singing is being reflected onto me.  
Those that are not strong enough, too miserable, too hopeless to resist. Unavoidably, I will show them their innermost dream, only to snatch it away again, and before they know it, they are crashing down to earth, left with nothing but their own insufferable lifes and the memories that haunt them, just like you haunt me.  
The memories of a life unlived, of happiness and peace, just out of reach and the certainty that nothing awaiting me will ever be as pure and perfect as this dream.

Curling up in bed, I clutch at my chest and feel the nails dig into my skin.  
This is not what I’m made for, I shouldn’t even have the ability to feel this much, this pain that ties a knot in my guts and makes me want to rip my heart out.  
How did it come this far? If only I knew what happened, if only…

*

A sharp, loud noise rings through the room. Israfel stifles, as the knocking on the door doesn’t cease.  
“Leave me alone!” he hisses, just remotely aware of how unusually hoarse and small his voice sounds.  
The knocking intensifies.  
“Get your lazy ass out of bed, boy, immediately! I won’t stop knocking before you come out here!” Miss Nilüfer, the old concierge woman shouts over her own noise, “If you don’t show your face to me right now, I’ll have the door kicked in!”  
Israfel pulls his blanket over his head, mumbling to himself, “Whatever…”  
  
“He has been like that all the time. I tried to talk nicely to him, I tried threatening, but nothing is working.”

  
“Israfel!” Another voice sounds muffled through the door, “You have not shown yourself for days, you will have to stop acting all dramatic and speak to me right now. We have a contract, remember?”  
Israfel winces. His agent, Kitty? What is she doing here?  
  
“I will be waiting for you outside for 10 minutes. If you don’t come out and talk to me, our deal is over.”  
Brisk footsteps clatter down the hallway.  
  
“Don’t be stupid!” Miss Nilüfer’s voice sounds softer now, “I know how you silly boys are. Y’all come to the big city, hoping to become an artist, chance of a lifetime. Then you fall madly in love with the first person who looks at you for two seconds and have your heart broken a day later, forgetting all about the art and your big dreams. I’ve seen it over and over again, it never ends well. Don’t risk that contract you got there! No man is worth that!”  
After a moment of silence, her shuffling steps recede.

It has taken him all of what little strength he has left to pull himself out of bed.  
A splash of water against the sore throat, and his wide black cape around his shoulders.  
Now he flinches against the bright sun light that seems so utterly out of place in his sombre, grim world.

“Israfel! I knew you would come to your senses.”  
Kitty, his agent, approaches him with a wide smile that instantly annoys him, “Let’s take a little stroll together, shall we?”  
He doesn’t have the energy to resist as Kitty takes his arm and leads him down a side street, leaning in conspiratorially, “I know you have had a rough time, and I fully understand that you need some time to get yourself back together. If there’s anything you need, don’t hesitate to tell me – it’s my duty to help you.”  
Israfel nods without actually taking the words in.  
  
“Speaking of which – My main concern is to help you make the most out of your career and offer you the support you need for that. That is my job, and I take it very seriously.” She winks at him, before letting her face fall and continuing sternly.  
“Right now, I find myself in a dilemma though. Because I have to rely on you, and you’re not doing your job at all. Do you understand what that means?”  
  
A prickle of unease makes Israfel perk up, as the dialogue seems to suddenly take an unpleasant turn.  
“Ehm, sorry, I… is this about my singing?” he mumbles, trying to focus.  
  
“Of -fucking- course this is about your singing!”  
Kitty snaps back at him sharply, causing him to flinch away from her, “I hired you as a singer and got you a deal with the musical hall, but all you do is wallow and hide in your room! Are you even aware that your rent and food is being paid for by us, and we provide you with the opportunity to become a famous and beloved artist? As long as you refuse to do your job, all our investment is for nothing! How much longer do you expect us to keep a singer who doesn’t sing?!”  
  
Israfel drops his eyes, taken by surprise, his mind completely blank.  
“I… I’m sorry. I understand…” he mutters defensively, “...but you said, you would wait until I...”  
His agent grabs his elbow, forcing him to turn to face her.  
“This is not how it works, Israfel. Do you know how many young artist are standing in line for your position? I vouched for you, because I believed in you! I still do. But I need to see that you fulfil your part of our contract. I spoke with the director of the Old Delph, and your first show will take place in 5 weeks. So you better get on practising.”  
  
“Five weeks?” Israfel exclaims in shock, “I will never be able to master my singing in five weeks! Not without...”  
“Listen, I don’t care how you do it, but the deal is done and if you want to stay on the payroll, you’ll have to deliver.”  
Kitty walks away, leaving Israfel standing dumbstruck. She looks back once more, before rounding the corner, the wide smile returning to her face.  
“Do let me know if there is anything you need from me, darling, will you?”

*

My head is spinning. I feel like I’m in a void, while the world and it's people keep moving past me.  
Five weeks! What am I supposed to do?  
I made the deal, I can’t lose the contract. It is my only chance to stay in Nevermoor.  
If only I wasn’t so wrecked, maybe I could catch a straight thought and come up with a plan. If only...

The gut-churning feeling that has me rooted to the spot wavers slightly, and I look around to see a pair of eyes watching me with overt interest from across the street.  
A hint of something that feels like the first drop of rain in a desert.  
The eyes keep staring, unable to break away from me. Rosy colour on pale cheeks and wide pupils.  
If only…  
  
I wink suggestively and start walking away with sudden determination, rounding the corner into a narrow alley, continuing until I reach a stack of crates at it’s end.  
I stop and turn, beckoning the haltering figure that had followed me closer, stretching out a hand to take theirs and pull them in behind the crates.  
  
The excitement and arousal they’re emanating floods through me, not enough to make me feel better, but it meets a hunger inside me I had not been aware of.  
Their eyes are glowing with adoration, and I take a moment to bathe in the emotion before bending down to kiss them.  
I have had similar brief encounters with strangers before. A welcome little emotional kick. Nothing substantial, but still.  
Now there’s a brief flicker of a wish, a desperate hope leading me though.  
  
“You have been watching me.” I whisper against their lips, and I feel the shudder that runs through their whole body at the sound, heaving a heavy breath.  
“Are you an angel?” their husky voice croaks.  
“I am a singer.” I smile, leaning back to look into their widened eyes. “Would you like to hear me sing something?”

A second of confusion, then a feverish nod. At this point I’m certain they’d agree to pretty much anything, but I take it.  
I pull them into a tight embrace and kiss them again. They should at least get a fair chance at this. I want to make them feel ecstatic enough before I bend down, and hum a long drawn note in their ear.  
  
Right away I feel that their knees are giving way, and after holding them upright for another moment I let them slide down to the ground, letting go of their body.  
When I see their blank, dark eyes spilling over with tears that come running down their face, their mouth open in silent shock that turns into a low, heart-wrenching wail, something snaps back into place in my mind and I know that I made a mistake.  
  
My own eyes start to well up.  
The memory of the look on your face, your tear-streaked blue-eyed face.  
My heart starts racing in a sudden overwhelming panic.

Turning, I run away.

*

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> There will be a second chapter, which likely won't be more cheerful either. :3


End file.
